I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
