just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
