My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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