everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Randomize
