Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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