The maid of honor just puked.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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