and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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