just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I am midnight drunk by noon
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
