My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
