Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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