My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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