I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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