Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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