He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
