my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize