he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
