why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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