I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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