At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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