I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
