Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
