My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
