My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
