Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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