he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I checked into jail on foursquare
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
