Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
