my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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