I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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