my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
