my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
