remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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