Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I came so hard my ears popped.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
