hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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