I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
