I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
how does that bad decision feel?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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