He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
