his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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