The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
