its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
