Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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