mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
