I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize