The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
