I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
