Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
