Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
