between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
