Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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