dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
