Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
