I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
