I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize