I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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