god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
