i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
