Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
it wasn't lemon gatorade
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
