chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
