I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
