Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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