He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
