The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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