you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
