whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
